Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
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