Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
Randomize
