mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
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