I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
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