Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
everyone who works at gamestop is basically destined to live with their parents for the rest of their lives... so i said no.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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