Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Randomize
