ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
Randomize
