proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
I enjoy the company of your penis
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
Randomize
