first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
