I was born with a shot glass in my hand
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
Randomize
