and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
