fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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