I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
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