remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
The language barrier was annoying .... So we just had sex. That is how you deal with not being able to chat isn't it???
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
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