i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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