My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
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