just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
