i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
Pavlovs bj experiment 2012. Welcome to the program.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
Randomize
