I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Shame is for Republicans.
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