there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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