That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
Landen experienced Greenville for the first time last night. He was awaken by 2 cops and 4 EMS guys this morning in the bed of that truck that is for sale at the swashbuckler carwash, said he was trying to walk to waffle house... Greenville- 1, Landen- 0
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
Randomize
