I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Randomize
