I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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