I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Randomize
