Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Randomize
