You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
Randomize
