we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
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