in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Randomize
