I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
Randomize
