My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
I understand Curling. That high.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Randomize
