He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
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Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
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Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
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