I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
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