I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
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