all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
Send help, water and tortillas.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Randomize
