I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Randomize
