I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
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Pretty sure I just has te same conversation as you. He suggested I get, sell, and fuck the hoes, and once all was said and done, that I should refer afforementioned hoes to him, to perform felatio.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
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Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
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