I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
