When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
