im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
