I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
Randomize
