Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
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