Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
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