new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
Randomize
