ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
