well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
We put your drunk ass to bed. 10 minutes later we heard you scream "DICK-PUNCH!!!" It was immediately followed by a shriek of pain and crying. So to answer your question; no, that's not "sex soreness".
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
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