WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
NoShamevember. You game?
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Randomize
