Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
Randomize
