our cab driver is having phone sex.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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