we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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