There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
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