I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
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