I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Randomize
