what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
Randomize
