So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Randomize
