Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
just when i thought i had forgotten how badthe sex was he comes across campus solely to say hi
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
