She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
would you ever date a girl who drove an 89 Chrysler LeBaron? - for the record it's a convertable
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
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